Fak! With more and more exposure about the importance of mental health and breaking the stigma I wonder where I stand. Don’t get me wrong. I want to live each day to watch my children grow and cherish each moment with my husband and family. I look back at our Big family trip to Mexico last year and I’m so thankful we did it. I look back at the pics at the Camp Dorset pics and it fills me with so much gratitude. Especially the ones where my dad came up, baby’s first time up there walking around and hubby building his daily fire. What is it with men and their bonfire anyway? I try best to separate work from real life, but the stress still has me waking up between 4:30-5:30. Couple this with health issues in the family beyond my control -will Franklin ever get a live donor, can we all stay in good health as we get older, The Commute -long AF but working from home saves me 4 hours and $20 each time, The Children -activities, school, raising them to be good people, The Home -bills, chores, groceries, laundry, shoveling, and life – no time for me to decompress after work and commute, children, family the 10 minute shower with baby crying for me doesn’t feel enough. I bury my head in the ground and try and shut everyone and everything out. I try and meditate, but I haven’t been able to master it quite yet.
So, what’s the problem? Every working mom who has a chronically I’ll spouse has to deal with this. I’ve been dealing with all of this for over 10 years. Add another 10 without the kids and house. What happened to the confident lady who run tings?! She makes brief appearances most days, but way too often I just want to sleep and stay in bed. I haven’t crocheted in forever. I haven’t written in a long time. I don’t want to bake, nor shop or do much anything that gave me some reprieve of the constant onslaught of responsibility.
So is it depression? Or a rough patch? Or winter blues? postpartum (is that even possible this far after birth?) Life just seems overwhelming. Most days I think it’s just a rough patch. It’s not like I stay in bed, even though that all I want to do. Take a hot shower, chill in bed surrounded by snacks and just read and watch shows (finished Handmaid Tales. So, messed up. I can see how women’s rights could easily slip into that kind of crazy world). Maybe I’m just tired. Sleep is one of the best medicines. It heals the body and for me hopefully my mind too. Shit is foggy and I can’t think straight as quickly as before. It just feels overwhelming and difficult to figure out all the logistics of life.
I.e. kid 1 has activity at 6. Kid 2 has activity at 6:30. I’m available at 6:30. None of that is going to work without adjusting schedules and asking for help from my dad (which is a doubled edge. I hate to ask as I don’t want to mah-fan him. But need the help and happy my kids can see and spend time with him)
I.e. breakfast out at 10ish (sleep in and if we can get the whiners out the door) Kid 2 activity at 12. Kid 1 activity at 2. It’s now 4pm and there are groceries to buy and dinner to make. Laundry? Fak. Let’s just buy another Costco pack of socks and underwear 😂
A lady at work was impressed when I told her about my commute. She’s like “wow, I won’t complain about my 40 minutes commute anymore.”
Her – have you considered moving closer to downtown?
Me – my parents place is 10 minutes away. That’s important to me.
Her – I understand. You are such a good daughter
I wanted to cry 😢
This is kind of a rambling post. Not a nice tidy package. Just another emotional dump. I needed it.
It’s a long weekend coming up. Praise Jesus!