I am mad. We’re leaving for baseball at 6:45 am.  I tell him to make sure Baby’s camping chair thing is packed.  There’s two in the car, but that’s for me and kid 2.  Before we pull out of the drive way I ask again if he packed the babay’s chair.  He says yes (with attitude because I’m asking again and we’re running late).  We leave and he has not packed the chair.  He put *his* chair in the car.  He’s like there’s 2 there.  One for you one for him.  How about your other son?! I told you to pack the chair for The Baby!

(I knew he would do this. I’d do it myself but I was filling the cooler since there’s 3 games today). He’s huffy and says “fine you can just have my chair”.  Which is not realistic since he needs to sit by the game to do the pitch count.

I wanted to go to watch, but half the time I can’t sit and watch anyway since I’m running after kid 3.  And kid 2 is bored and crabby by 2nd game (or 3rd if I’m lucky).  But maybe it’s easier if I didn’t go so I can nap as I’m tired af. 

I’m trying to keep shit in perspective. We can sit in the stands (assuming there is any, but there’s not always) but, what has me all worked up is I give instructions to avoid whining and I’m still behind the 8 ball because I cannot depend on him. I should just do it myself if I want it done. But I think that’s really the heart of my hurting. Too deep.

Kid 1 was upset and yelled for us to stop yelling.  It was a reality check for me.  Our arguing is too much.  Not only for me, but also for him.  Is it easier for us to separate because I’m just so angry with our relationship. 

I keep trying to wash away my hurt with anger and excuses of his dialysis and our tough schedule this week with cottage trip away and then baseball tournament.  I’m 100% sure he didn’t do dialysis Friday since it was a late tournament game and they didn’t get back until midnight and they had to be out at the next game across town by 10.  Just not enough time in-between to do dialysis (the whole process of numbing cream, machine prep, dialysis itself, disconnecting, waiting for insertion points to stop bleeding, and just to get going. Not even including tear down and disinfection after). 

I’m mad that he didn’t pack the chair which will make it harder for me to manage the other 2 kids.  But as I write this, its just another reminder that dialysis is not easy.  I’m *slightly* less angry, but now just more sad that once again I’m let down and disappointed.  Is it the dialysis or is he just shitty.  I think a bit of both.  Maybe the dialysis makes him more shitty than usual? I know it’s changed him….and me.