Mother’s Day is around the corner and although I see the happiness in my children’s eyes to share their home made cards/gifts for me, I have an ache in my heart that still brings tears to my eyes.  I miss my mom so much.  I pray that she may RIP in Heaven with God and her family.  I still remember the night before she passed away I had slept over at the hospital.  She was dreaming and she called out “mom!  help me!”.  I got up off the floor to check on her and she was still sleeping.

I always hope my mom will come visit me.  There were a couple of instances I know she was with me.  Once I was up late at night long after the children and franklin went to bed.  I was watching t.v. and all of a sudden it started acting wonky.  I tried changing the channel, turning it off and on, etc.  I still remember saying “OK, mom.  I’ll go to bed now” and felt warm inside feeling like she was there with me.

Another time I had a dream of my mom.  I woke in the middle of the night feeling overwhelmed, but wrote it down because it was still fresh in my mind and I didn’t want to forget.  I came across the softcopy of it the other day.  Below is the dream I wrote.  I really believe in writing it down as soon as you wake up from a dream otherwise you’ll forget all the details.  It’s un-edited and I wrote fast and furious.

It’s long.  I still cry reading it.

March 21, 2015

A square in the ceiling opened and Popo came down sitting in a wheel chair.  I was scared at first. I can’t remember what happened next. But the next memory was she got out of the chair and walked by me and dad.  Dad was lying down on the couch and turned his head to face the couch just like how Lucas did tonight at Friday dinner. He pouted kind of and pretended he was going to sleep.

My next memory is mommy came.  She wore one of her white cotton T-shirt and elastic waist jeans she would always wear when she was here alive weigh us.  Me and dad are sitting on a bed in Alex and my old room facing Jones above the store.  I cant remember exactly happened next just that when I try to touch her or hold her it hurts her.  It stop’s as soon as I let go.  I deduce that its because she is from another world/dimension.  Mom has her back against the wall and her hand down on the bed and I put my for fingers on the bed as close as possible without touching her.  Her hand looks swollen.  She moves her fingers slowly towards mime to get closer. Her ring finger slightly touched mine and it was like electricity and she flinched.  I bro not want to cause mommy any pain and though I want to touch her even if just by finger tip I flinch away.

I am feeling over joyed that mom Is her.  I ask her if she is happy. And I just clearly remember seeing the side of her fave looking filled with love and concern at my dad and saying ‘is your dad happy?’ I turn to dad and he was staring with love at mom but when she asks this he downcast his eyes and turns his head and mumbles ‘well, I said to you I wasn’t eating or sleeping sometimes’.  And I remember the times my dad said: ‘I can’t eat,
. I gained weight.’,  at tonights Friday dinner when I am putting away some left over a to bring home and dad came by and looked at the salted pigs feed and said ‘I shouldn’t eat it’ after Anthony had asked if wanted to keep them and he said yes.  I remember feeling concern when hearing dad say that.  I dared say out loud to him ‘well you still have to eat,’, or the nights when we call to say goodnight to my dad and Marcus always asks if he ate dinner yet.  Sometimes its ‘no’ and its already 8, 9 or 10 at night.  I have that same concern at that time.  ‘Is he eating OK?  How’s his diet?’. Or when dad gets very tired and/or squeezing the top back part of his head that I think is because he has a headache.  I am worried about him but don’t know what to do or say.

Back to the dream.  Lesley Hawley, her mom and dad are coming down the hall and about to enter the room to visit.  I see them and yell ‘don’t come in. Give me 10 minutes!’. I wave them away with my hand and the wooden slams closed.

When I hear my dad say mumble these things and see that he turns his down casted eyes away I know this is serious.  I cry. Hard. And pleading tell my dad ‘this has to change.  Come stay with me.  I can’t come visit and stay for awhile everyday.  I can’t lose you dad.  I will die if you go.  Dad it can’t stay like this.  THIS HAS TO CHANGE!’.

Mom has now gotten off the bed and I turn my head as her movement grabs my attention.  He starts to jog then run. The room some how look s very long.  And I reach out my arm towards her and yell out ‘ mommy don’t go!’. Will you come again?’. I can’t remember exactly what she said, but at first she doesn’t say anything or turn her head back.  But i do remember her saying something about 2months after a few steps.   She is running but turning slight to the right the towards us.  Sort of like on a circular track.  She is getting smaller and starting to fade.

When I first wake up into consciousness my eyes are still closed. I am lying in Lucas’ bed. It is still dark out.  He is sleeping.  I try to remain calm and keep remembering the dream so I don’t forget.  I am so happy that mommy came to me in my dream, but I have another thought in the background, what did mommy say.  Why did she come? Don’t just enjoy that she came, but listen to her message.  ‘Things cannot stay the same’. Dad needs more.  With Marcus’ gymnastics dad has not gone to pick them up on Thursday’s anymore.  And franklin told me Thursday how dad has offered to take the kids for a few hours in the afternoon this week.  Its march break this week and franklin has had them.  When my dad offers we should take it.  That Thursday night I told franklin my dad can take the kids after 1pm as he has an appointment in the morning.  When I called him from work Friday around 12:30 he was sleeping and not going to bring the kids.  I was pissed.  We argued. Even as we were not very nice talking to each other I knew deep down that I wasn’t angry at him.  He got off dialysis that morning.  Drove me to the GO station, Took kids for their 9am skating lesson, and was exhausted.  I was angry that he was not feeling well and couldn’t bring the kids to spend time with my dad.  I called dad to let him know that franklin was tired and the kids were not coming.  He seemed fine with that.  I asked if he was home already because if he wasn’t he could pick up kids on the way back homer from his appointment.  He was already home and was busy, he was offering to franklin to give him a break.

Maybe the change is that dads days to pick up a D’s need to change.  Just yesterday (Friday morning) as franklin drove med to the GO station he was saying how I can soon start driving myself.  Now that the weather is warming up we can start using both cars.  I just gave him a look.  We laughed.  And he said ‘oh, you like me driving you’. But now looking back, him saying that. My mommy dream.  I should drive myself because then I can pick up kids and be weigh my dad for an hour before going home, like I used to.  Dad will take Lucas to skating on Mondays as franklin takes Marcus to gymnastics, then we will pick Lucas up after.  Maybe the second day should be Wednesdays for now, until marcus starts skating Wednesdays.  When skating for him starts that will only leave Tuesdays open.  Is is too early in the week? Monday and Tuesday, then nothing til Friday except our daily call?. I don’t know.

At least today we are all going to Anthony’s  house as Joanne has volunteered to make spring rolls and jook.  Its great to get together but I saw a shadow over my dads fave last night as we were talking about it.  Its food again.  I remember hearing him say to suk-suk on the phone ‘I can’t always go out to eat.  If you want to come up to visit fine, but just come over then.  I can’t always go out to eat’. Dad’s appointment this week must have been to Dr. Mak. When I did his pills yesterday, I had to get a new pills bottle and it was dated for march 15, 2015.  I wish I could ask him how it went.  How is his health, with out him yelling at me.  Why doesn’t he tell me had had an appointment so I can go with him.

I am glad I woke up to write this down so I won’t forget mommy’s visit.  Do I tell or share this not with my dad? I want to, but it also includes my thoughts and feelings.  He will probably just say he doesn’t want to read all this.  It will hurt me.  But at the same time I want to share with him how mommy finally came to visit,  that part I do want to share and I think the won’t say in disgust that h doest wasn’t to know ‘these things’ as he has said in the past to me.  It still hurts, but I know he loves me, but it still hurts.  I just want to be a good daughter to him.

So many times as I write this I stop to cry.  For my mom. My dad. For me failing as a daughter to be there for my dad.  Between franklin’s not feeling well days, the kids activities, work, I am not doing anyone any justice.  I suck.