I participated in a research discussion for caretakers of dialysis patients recently and it was a bit emotionally taxing (in a good way).  Some of the questions asked had me revisiting emotions I keep locked away and buried so I can face our future.  I could have easily fluffed the answers, but that’s just not me.  I was quite frank and candid about my life and how dialysis affects me and my family.

At first he asked questions that was already answered amongst the group.  How old are you again?  How many years?  I was starting to lose confidence in this being of any benefit.  But, he was able to summarize exactly how I feel sometimes.  I was talking about some everyday life scenarios and sometimes it’s frustrating when he is exhausted after therapy.  He said ‘it sounds like your are resentful, but also guilty’.  I wasn’t offended.  Should I have been?  Because  I think I am.  I am resentful when he has slept in until 12:30pm and I’ve been up since 5:30am with both kids for 4 days in a row.  But, then I feel guilty for feeling resentful since dialysis is kicking his ass and he’s doing the best he can.  I hope that my raw emotional answers help to make a better process for those about to start this journey.

I resent the disease.  Not him.  I am frustrated with the disease and the struggles it gives us each day.  Not him.  Although I b!t3h and complain (“vent”) sometimes, and it sound like it’s directed at The Husband, it truly never is about him.  It’s the disease.