Was this really happening?  We’ve been trying for the last couple of years.  I’ve always wanted a little girl.  I know there’s no guarantees, but sometimes the heart wants what it wants.  Like a lady who is a few pounds overweight and still has the piece of chocolate because the heart wants what it wants.  In the past couple of years without a viable (I hate that word) pregnancy and the past year without any pregnancy I was resigning to fate that a third was not in our future.  I was ready to get rid of all of the clothes and toys.

Then one day I was in disbelief when I saw the positive pregnancy test.  I’ve been here before and I didn’t know what to feel.  A positive pregnancy test was not a guarantee that you would have a baby.  So many things can happen between now and then.  But, for now the light of hope has been lit.  I try not to get too invested.   I mean, the heartache of a miscarriage is devastating.  And I was just trying to protect myself emotionally.  I wanted to ensure this pregnancy was “viable” (I hate that word) and the baby was healthy before I committed my entire heart.  That was what my mind said to protect my heart.

I had an ultra sound and they found they found the heart beat!  They had dated me at 6-weeks 4 days.

But, at the 6th week I spotted brown.  Every wipe after using the bathroom had a dark stain.  My heart sunk.   I called my general practitioner (GP) doctor right away.  I still had not seen the OBGYN, but had seen my GP for getting the blood work to confirm I was pregnant.  So, the follow up for this was with the GP.  Of course just as my luck my doctor was not in and I had to see the other doctor in her practice.  He ordered an ultrasound and a repeating blood work paper work.  There was still a heart beat!  and my HCG was still high.  Thank GOD!  I did have a straining poop that morning.  That’s my only guess after searching the web for hours.  I still worried, but knowing the baby was still “viable” (I hate that word) settled my fears for that minute.  But, I still wiped brown for a few more days.  It eventually stopped and I didn’t think much about it any more.

Week 7 had no more stains (which I looked closely after each bathroom use). Which is exactly what I wanted.  I still worried about everything.  I had slight cramping and wondered what that meant.  After my internet search it could be that my uterus was just growing.  That was the positive side.  The other side was that there could be a precursor to a miscarriage.  Sigh.

Week 9 I had a big bright red stain on my underwear.  I freaked!  Not again!  All my fears called my OBGYN and they saw me right away.  I was under 20 weeks, and got the feeling they wouldn’t see me.  But, I begged and pleaded and the receptionist got me in that morning.  The doctor was calm.  Ordered me an ultrasound and said not to worry.  There was nothing that can be done, but lets just see what’s happening.  He offered to do an NIPT blood work paper that I was supposed to do the following week, but I was already mentally preparing myself and said “what’s the point”.  And broke down a little in his office.  As I waited in the waiting room for the receptionist to try to call and get me an appointment I heard her try to squeeze me in to a full schedule by advising they wanted to do a “viability” ultrasound.  I sniffled.

When I finally got into the ultrasound I was quiet.  The technician usually doesn’t tell you much.   They are not supposed to.  But, bless her, she told me she found the heart beat and I cried.  I was not having a miscarriage.  Not then anyway.  The relief was like no other feeling.  I thought I wasn’t invested.   No matter what my mind was trying to tell me to not get too invested until we were in the all clear, I was completely committed.  I was in…100%

Now that I look back, it was one big red blotch, but when I looked at my underwear again, it was less than the size of my palm and there was no more after that one time that morning. Bright red is always scary.  Bleeding and pregnant meant miscarriage to me.  But, now I can say, it may not be.  Looking back, I recall I had lifted my youngest to carry him the night before.  Well, now moving forward after that scare I do not carry him nor anything too heavy.  No case of water.  I do not fill my dad’s pill bottle because I don’t want to touch his meds.  All the precautions I didn’t before.

I spotted while pregnant and thank God my baby’s heartbeat is still beating.