Waiting to Tell

I am not posting this on my other forms of social media nor publicizing this post on them either, so if you are reading this because you read my blog, lucky you!  You get to share in my journey.

I wanted to wait and I still do.  But, I also want to remember every feeling.  I’ve already let so many feelings and moments pass that I hope I can still capture them.  Until I catch up, some posts will not be in order.  They are the feelings I remember and I want to read and feel again later.

But, the one that I still remember clearly is when I found out the Non-Invasive Prenatal Testing (NIPT) results.   They didn’t have this test when I had my other little ones.  So this test would be worth ever penny and minute to confirm what the chances of down syndrome and other syndromes were.

Before I let most people know what my situation was, I wanted to wait until I found out that the baby was viable (I hate that word), healthy, and we were past the first three months.  I was so worried about another miscarriage or complications that I didn’t want to get too ‘attached’.  Especially after I spotted brown for a couple of days one week and then spotted bright red one day another week.  I’ve been through that heart wrenching road one too many times.  I am still hurting, but bury it deep down.  Probably not the healthiest, but for now, not thinking about it often after accepting that it was God’s will has helped.  One day I maybe brave enough to share, as most women I know have experienced a miscarriage, but today is not that day.

I had taken the test and was told it would take a few weeks to get the results.  I was facilitating a training class when my cell phone vibrated and showed the doctor’s office.  Perfect timing as we were just about to go on a break.  I called back right away because I could not wait to hear the answer.  Probably not the best choice of place to find out, but I had to know.  The receptionist answered and said that my result was low.  Um, what does that mean?  Low that they will likely have down syndrome?  Low that they will likely not have down syndrome?  I needed it specifically broken down explicitly.  She said “there is a 1/10,000 chance that there is down syndrome.  99.9% chance that there will NOT be down syndrome”.  I was so happy!  I was over come with emotions.

I went to the next training room next door and as fate would have it the other trainer was also on a break.  I asked her if I could come in.  I asked if she could just hold me for a minute.  She held me and I burst into quiet sobs.  She was alarmed.  She asked what’s wrong.  She rubbed my back.  I choked out that these were tears of joy.  I just found out the baby is healthy and did not have down syndrome.  I just couldn’t stop.  I was so overcome with emotions.  This was one of my biggest fears when I found out I was pregnant.  That’s all I want.  Is a healthy baby.  Healthy physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually.  If God hears my prayers about that, then I’d add a second ask.  A healthy baby ……girl.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.