I’d love to write a more eloquent post that starts with how I’m feeling, the different reasons why, and then conclude with some profound insight. The reality is it’s a shit storm over here and today my rose coloured sunglasses fell off. I am PMS’ing hard and have noticed my patience and ‘go with the flow’ attitude is non-existent.

From work, kids, husband, cooking, house and being home all the time is enough to drive 88l88l888o8me. Everyone else is baking bread and cooking feasts, have a new exercise regime and zoom drink parties. Faaaaaaak off! Ain’t nobody got time for that!

Let’s be real. I’m feeling overwhelmed and that’s why I’m blogging to get it off my chest. I am fine. Just today I don’t want to bury it and keep chugging along. I want to lighten the emotional load and start afresh. Sometimes it’s a walk. Sometimes it’s a long shower. Sometimes it’s a bottle of Jacob’s Creek Moscato Rose wine (there’s only been 1 so far, but a run to the liquor store after I finish this bottle of Girl’s Night Out might tagged onto the next weeks grocery run. It’s not necessary so I’m having guilt in including it. And then there’s all those wasted calories, I still have another something something, so not too desperate yet). Sometimes it’s games on my phone. Today it’s a blog post. So, read on for the unloading.

• My baby
  • is waking up at 6 AM every MF’in day. Faak! This is not new, but I’m staying up later or I’m having a hard time sleeping. Bye bye coffee/tea
  • he’s clingy AF
  • when I’m on the phone he sneaks in for breast milk because he knows I’ll give in to shut him up while I’m on the call
  • it’s hell on earth from his crying when I end the call
  • potty training is very hit or miss and all the yucky clean up that goes with it. the joys of successfully getting to the toilet makes it worth it. And when he poops he does tell me right away, so there’s that
  • He’s all over his brother which is good and bad. Your brother is doing his hwk, leave him alone. The baby is trying to sleep, now is not the time to play together. Stop play fighting! But, seeing the brotherly love makes me so happy they have it, but also makes my heartache for my eldest.

• Work – I log into work (which I’m thankful for and feel like crap for adding it to my stress list as I’m lucky to still be working, but it still adds to the crazy at home) and have had a few mishaps already:
  • Virtual training using GoToMeeting. on break. Thought I was muted. F-bombs and co-worker rants to the hubby. I was not muted. #FML
  • Co-worker asks me to look into a tech support request 3 minutes into logging into work. I contact the person. I share the solution so she can learn. She connects with the person behind my back armed with the solution I shared with her while I waste my time waiting online for said person as I had scheduled to fix her issue.

• Cooking – the endless amount of cooking and dishes all the time – fak!
• Weight gain – in between all the cooking at least there’s snacks, but the double edged sword to these snacks is I’m gaining weight like first year uni
  • I know I should walk/jog/youtube zumba/start an exercise program, but either the weather is crap or I am also so emotionally and mentally drained I don’t want to do a fucking thing. It’s not like I’m home all the time. I got to get the kids out for a walk/bike ride around the block or 2, but it’s no where enough. The fun games we play in the backyard have lost their sparkle. I’ve gained 5 pounds, drink more than I usually do, and eat more junk I would usually never buy and bring into the house. Don’t judge!

• Home Schooling – some of it is a bit challenging (all of it. and all while I’m trying to stay focused and be productive at work incase layoffs happen. We dont know how long this will last and when they need to do cost savings it’s usually training. Been downsized twice)
  • I do believe that the kid’s learning should be well rounded, but I don’t have time to review french and music with them. The other subjects I get – math, english, social science, etc. I can do. And although I am good at math, some of these new math strategies I have to learn along with him.
  • I have one laptop that I use for work. He needs the laptop to do his work. And when the eldest was home he also needed time. GONG SHOW!
  • I called my niece to help with the French homework and ranted about having to really time manage the laptop use with homeschooling the kids and work. my darling niece generously lent us her spare laptop.
• Hubby – his health is not as stable as it was before.
  • Between the stomach pains that instill fear that I don’t think I can handle anymore because if he has another bowel obstruction I will break down, but now with the pandemic the fear is real. One reason he hasn’t been able to do dialysis a few times
  • His heart rate and even BP has been dangerously low. So low he stopped some of his pills. At least his heart rate came back to within a low normal range. But, his BP has been so low he didn’t do dialysis, i.e. 80/50. This has happened multiple times. God forbid his heart stops while he’s on the machine.
  • He’s talked to his nephrologist during his remote clinic appointment who said it was ok to continue to stop the pills, but should advise the cardiologist. He left a message for the cardiologist, but they have not called back. The fear here is even though he’s stopped the pills, still his BP is low and sometimes his heart rate is still very low, i.e. 40-50
• My dad – I worry for him.
  • Especially when so many seniors are dying. My eldest has stayed there which I have so many mixed emotions about. I don’t mind so my dad is not alone and he likes being there. But, I also miss him like crazy. He wanted to stay there during the week and come home on weekends, but I am not ok with the back and forth. There’s more around this, but I just can’t deal with all the feels with this one right now.
  • Groceries is a whole other weekly anxiety inducing interaction.

Everyone is handling quarantine differently. Some well. Some not as well. All depends on the day and the person. I know I’m not the only working mom struggling with their family and work responsibilities. Just feels like it’s more than what I want to acknowledge and what some people may not realize, that on top of everything else we may share as working moms, they do not have to also be a caregiver and deal with a chronically ill husband. So while their hubby’s share the burden, I have to do it all while he’s recovering in bed.

I know I am very lucky compared so many suffering during this crisis. I am healthy. I am working. I have a home with a back yard. My children are safe. I am blessed. But, I am also feeling overwhelmed. Feeling one way does not take away from another. I am allowed to work through my emotions.