It’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. Supposed to be…

This is just going to be an emotional dump. No structure or order. I just want cry for a minute and then pull myself back up.

I can’t take any time off during my probation at work. I’m exhausted when I get off work and spend the few hours after work recouping and just hugging by baby, having some dinner, bed routine and if I’m lucky some talk time with my big boys. That means not all Christmas presents have been bought nor wrapped. Actually, NO resents have been wrapped. I have not bought for all the kids. If they still go to school or are babies, they get a gift. I did buy 2 adult gifts for the Secret Santa. This is the way we can still give gifts to all the adults in our family. There’s too many of us to buy for everyone. When I ignore my increasing credit card debt I buy a little something for everyone. But at even $10-15 a person on top of all the children it’s too much this year. I do buy a little something for my brothers and their wives. Sometimes I also squeeze in a gift for my sister-cousin. I want to get for each cousin, especially those who don’t have kids. They buy gifts for my kids and I want to return the favor. Those with kids get their return in gifts for their kids. But after hundreds on gifts, my portion of contributions for the meal (which I don’t ask back since my brothers don’t, and dad says not to ask the rest of family) I just feel a bit overwhelmed. I just need to accept that not everyone I want to get a gift for will get one. That is what Secret Santa is for. I just want to give them each a little piece to let them know I was thinking of them. Maybe a thoughtful letter? Too sappy? Here comes the feelings…ugh.

Besides money, the real issue is that hubby’s machine broke down so many times these past couple.of weeks. It was leaking water. They fixed it. It leaks again but a lot this time and soak the carpet. The dialysis machine is officially done and has clocked 27,000 hours of service. Hubby had to go in-centre (hospitals dialysis unit) for 7am. He gets there at 6:45am and he still has to wait. He didn’t get on till 8am. What’s an hour, right? Well, when you wake up at 5:30 am to get there on time, it’s just another slap. A guy collapsed while he was there. The environment is tough. The dialysis is a lot harsher on him since the pump speed is so high, to get his regular 8 hours of slower overnight dialysis in just 4 hours. He comes home and it’s like a truck hit him. He sleeps the rest of the day and night. Sunday he’s a bit better, but not much. He’s tired, his body hurts all over, his thinking is cloudy and with all this his demeanor is a mf. Well, I’m tired too, mentally. I want to stay in a warm cozy bed and just binge watch shows and play on my phone. Responsible for no one. Nap. Recharge. Nope. He’s having a hard time and I need to feed and take care of baby. I let him have a fun bath and re-warm the tub 3 times. He naps, eats his cheese omlet, udon, buttered toast, yogurt and chocolate milk. I braved Costco on the weekend before Christmas to get the appetizers, dessert, drinks. I braved Walmart the weekend before Christmas and get stuff for dip, punch, and gifts. I’m a ducking champ!

I must still go to work. I did spend my lunch hour and shopped like a maniac. Its pricier since its downtown, but its the 23rd. I dont think I can hold off anymore. Anyone i didnt get I’ll try on the 24th. Otherwise its giftcard. Carrying all that shit, my big as purse that includes my tablet, yarn, snacks, pens, buttons, paper, blah blah blah and my lunch bag ( that holds my glass containers because I’m saving the world) is all heavy AF as I huff and puff to get on the train at the farthest track and the last ducking car.

We still need to hit the liquor store. That should be fun on the 24th, right? When is the wrapping going to happen? All I want to do is crawl into my humble abode and turn off the lights. It will get done.