I’ve been home trying to get myself together. I haven’t left the house in a few days and starting to get a little stir crazy, but not so much that I want to venture outside. I don’t want to deal with people nor spend any money since I’m not working and it makes my heart beat fast having to face it all alone. Counter intuitive, logically I get it, but emotionally I can’t seem to get out of my own way to move forward. Get out and do stuff that makes you happy. What makes me happy? I’m not sure these days. I had an important call at 2 pm yesterday. I told Franklin to be home to watch the baby. He said he’d be home by 1:30 pm. 1:30 pm – nope. 2 pm – nope. I am so mad! Fortunately, the baby was still asleep, so I was able to take the call uninterrupted for the most part. He started to cry near the tail end at 2:45 pm, but Franklin was home 2 minutes before and was able to get him. I was so mad! I don’t ask you to do much, so when I tell you how important it is for you to be home, be there! I want to focus that it worked out and baby was sleeping, but I am so angry that he wasn’t there even after I stressed how important it was he be here. He said he was sorry. but that did nothing to appease me. Then we argued and his point was that he had to go out for “him”. Give me a fucking break! I am always there for you. I was so angry my head was throbbing, my heart was racing, and I had angry tears.
Now, that it’s been 24-hours, I am still angry but more sad and scared. Sad that he was not there like he said. Sad and disappointed. I don’t want to face the facts that he was selfish and chose to stay on the golf course then come home on time to be there for me. Sad, disappointed and ashamed. It also fuels my fear of the future. What’s it going to be like if I go back to that toxic environment of work. Is my mental health worth it? If I don’t go back and quit to save myself, how will we afford life? Neither seem like a solution and I’m backed into a corner feeling panicked with a fight or flight fear. This is the bigger emotion then the anger, but also what fuels the anger. Sigh. I just want to be happy. Feel safe and taken care of.
Once again, he finished dialysis last night and wasn’t able to help this morning with the kids. He did drive them to school. But, came home and went upstairs to lie down right away. He took a nap with baby at 11 am. When baby woke up at 1:30 pm he stomped his foot on the ground for me to come upstairs to get the baby. He woke up at 3 pm to do his chauffeur duties. I wanted him to bring the baby so my dad could see him, but he said no. His body hurts and he’s in rough shape. Now, I feel bad. I should have went to get the kids. But, my dad doesn’t know I’m not working and it would break me to see or hear his disappointment. And I’m resentful that I always have to be understanding. This time off was for me to focus on me. But, there’s never a “me” time. I’m tired of being understanding. But, also know if I’m not understanding/accepting to it, this marriage would be over.
Sigh. I just want to be happy again.