I don’t even know where to start. The last two weeks has been an emotional roller coaster, where the lows have been lower than I’ve ever felt. I’ve been through many different crisis before, like Franklin’s heart attack, when he lost a lot of blood during dialysis at home and we had to call the ambulance, and during the numerous bowel obstructions. But this time around, it feels like I can’t do it. I can’t carry my children. I can’t carry my husband. I can’t carry the responsibilities to go to work. I can’t even lift up my head. Just when I think I’m feeling better, a question is asked and I easily get flustered, I can’t think clearly, I can’t make a simple decision, and I hate myself for being so weak. I thought I can do it all, and for a while I have been. I’ve been through many emergency rooms holding Franklin’s health in my hands and being his advocate through emergency hemodialysis, emergency room bowel obstructions, multiple surgeries, and emotional, spiritual and mental uplifting. With this comes the pressure of having to go to work and get those bills paid. In addition to Franklin’s health I have my beautiful children that I want to do the best I can for. But I wonder if I’m failing them? Deep down I know I’m not. I’m doing the best that I can, I love them, provide for them and support them, but is it enough? I think all parents, correction, most parents want the best and worry that they are doing the best for their kids. Or maybe that’s my fear again questioning myself. Questioning my parenting abilities. Questioning every choice I make if it is the right one.
Is it that I’m depressed? My self-confidence is non-existent. I don’t find joy in the little things that would help lift me out of the avalanche of responsibility and stress. What tipped the scales that I can no longer walk this fine line in this balancing act that is my life? Not sure if it’s one thing, I. E. Work, or if it’s been this stressful life for so long that my armour is starting to crack. It’s likely both.
Work used to be a great stress reliever. A break from my family life responsibilities. Where I would be recognized from my contributions, loved the feedback, acknowledgement and was rewarded with work honours at every organization I’ve worked in. I go above and beyond as my current boss told me “I’m a people pleaser” (wtf, right?). But, even from the first day of working there I knew something was off. My eye was twitching everyday for the first 2 weeks! But I figured new job, although I’ve never had that happen before. I pull up my big girl panties, put on my can-do hat, put my head down and focus to “show my worth” (what my manager’s manager said to me when we met at the kitchen servery within the first month of being there). I kept thinking it will get better. I can do this!
I’ve cracked and I’m not able to do anything. Work, family and life. I’m failing and I hate myself for it.