I broke down and cried again at work. I recognize this is not normal. I recognize I need to do something. I’ve tried so many things to change it and now it’s so bad I don’t find relief or happiness in any of it.

• Writing – I haven’t written in a while, because things were so bad I just didn’t want to relive those feelings as I wrote.
• Crochet – I’ve stopped the last few months as I don’t find any enjoyment right now and feel uninspired to make anything
• Bake/cook – no time when I only have 2-2 1/2 hours after coming home to get to bed
• Read – I have 2 started books waiting for me to finish. They are interesting, but just can’t seem to pick it up

What is wrong with me?!

I read old posts since I started this new job and there’s one consistent feeling….stress. I keep thinking it will get better. Put some of the above in place to de-stress, installed positive affirmation app, mindful meditation app and try and reinforce in my mind the inner tigress that I am. I am Eleisa. I’ve had to deal with many stressful situations and I thrive.

But, when I reflect back, life has always been stressful since the hubby’s end-stage renal disease was diagnosed. But, work would be the reprieve. I’d get validated of a job well done. Recognized at every job with awards, contract extensions, promotions, etc. Now with works toxic environment with the team, it is taking its toll on me. I kept thinking it will get better. Keep positive. Put steps in place to succeed. Pray. But now I’m crying almost everyday, headaches, foggy brain, everything seems overwhelming, insomnia, the poops just thinking of work, I’m back to 3 blood pressure pills a day instead of 2 and just doubting everything about who I am. This is not right. But I can’t seem to switch it off in my mind or body.

This is a great firm – Good compensation and benefits, opportunities to grow, met some good people, wfh opportunities, but even with all that I cannot face another day dealing with the people I have to interact with. Just thinking about it makes me want to shut down to protect myself. I’ve been shut down for so long now that I need to reboot and I can’t.

I wear the mask to say “I am fine”, but it’s cracking. When 5 different people from different circles asks if I’m ok 👌, it’s another indicator that I am not fine. When I broke down at work last week I called EAP. I’m drowning in emotions and they helped me over the hump. It’s just these emotional humps are more often and steeper. One message that rang deep with me was to not make life altering decisions while in this state of mind and emotions.