I wake up from a weird dream and my bladder is ready to burst. The bits and parts in my dream that I remember is Franklin had to pick up some tings from The Neighborhood from Bobby Green and he was standing on a balcony yelling down to me. I telling him to hurry the F up. Next part I remember is we are still in The ‘hood, but now my my brothers are there playing with my kids as we wait for the hubby. I look down the street and he’s hanging with the neighbourhood guys laughing, some drinking and smoking and it’s a beautiful summers day. I go down to join them to tell him we have to go back home. He says I’m gong to bail on this afternoons appointment and just hang out. You can go home with the kids. I’m livid! In a blind rage I grab the back of his shoulders and pull him forward to throw him down on the ground off the picnic table we’re sitting on. I took time off work so you could go! I wasted a vacation day to support you and now you’re not going to the F’ing appointment? ! I can take the kids and go while you sit here laughing it up?! I give him a good thrashing and now he’s tangled up in some netting as I kick him around on the ground and he’s in a shallow small grave that he doesn’t fit. “What the f’ is that hole I angrily?” ask with fear in heart. Someone says so-n-so’s dog died and she dug a hole for it.

I relieve my bladder at 5:30 am. Better than 4:30 am, I guess. I see Franklin did not get on last night as he was all set up to do. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. This just means yet another weekend where he sleeps all ducking day and I am on my own on to feed and entertain the kids. Before I went to sleep I saw he had his table setup with all the supplies so I went to sleep easily knowing he was prepared to get on. Seeing him sleeping and not on the machine makes me mad and sad. I’m mad that I will have yet another weekend where I don’t get to sleep in, where I just know he will sleep all day if not all weekend. I’m sad because he will sleep all the time because he needs to. I see he’s setup the machine and is ready for an 8-hr dialysis run. Something must have happened for him not to get on. I let go of both the anger and sadness and hope for the best.

Hope we can still take kids skiing or snowboarding (i doubt it). Hope he will not sleep the whole weekend away….again. Hope he feels well because when he doesn’t he is either not there physically because he’s sleeping or a total asshole snapping at everyone because he’s hurting. His moans and groans make me angry. I’m tired too! So, we are both hurting but I always have to rise up and take care of the responsibilities. It sounds selfish to be angry. He can’t help it. I’m angry at kidney failure and the long rough patch of him not feeling well enough to be present beyond a couple hours. I will always “lose” between the both us not feeling well. And it’s when I’m barely holding on to my own sanity is where this pity party and anger come from. I am thankful that I am healthy. That I don’t have to do dialysis and have it prolong my life or slow my death….one in the same depending on your mental state when you look at it.

The hubby has an appointment all afternoon. I’ll be working from home in the morning then mom duties in the afternoon. I took 1/2 vacation day to full fill my mom duties and wife duties of supporting him to complete his tests. I’m not sure how the dream ties in, but I feel like it does. Any dream interpreters or psychologists want to take a stab? 😂