This morning is a bit rough all around. I woke up at 4:30 am….again. As usual it’s to go pee. I try my best to go back to sleep, but the mind won’t shut up! For a few seconds when I envision the view when I was kayaking by myself at the cottage, I almost fall asleep. Then M pops beside me in my mind escape and I smile remembering us going pretty far out onto the lake before he started getting sore. I had to tow us in. Now that he’s entered my thoughts I worry I’m making the best parenting choices. Is competitive sports right for him at such a young age? 16-hours a week on top of school, winter practice for another team sport and he just made a school team. He wants the winter practice, school team, academically doing great in school and competes at this level of sport because he is skilled and talented. You want your kids to reach their full potential. I feel like it’s a fine line. He does them all so well and effortlessly. But I don’t want him to burn out. So on his off days (there’s not many) or hours I indulge him in almost everything he wants. Work hard. Play hard.

Now his success makes me think of my successes at work. Things that need to get done. People I have to follow up with. Deadlines. Enter full on wake up. It’s 5:13 am. Is it pathetic that I was proud that I “rested” for almost 45 minutes? It wasn’t even restful. My mind never stopped and I didn’t fall back to sleep. My eyes were closed and I was lying down, so there’s that.

I go check Franklin’s remaining time and he has 2.5 hours left on the machine. I check my email, fb, blog stats, etc. I start getting ready. Do I tell him to end his dialysis treatment early (happening way too often)? More guilt. He starts to cramp. LISA! LISA! Put it on minimum UF (ultra filtration). I hop out of bed and run to the other side to press buttons. He moans and groans. My heart is heavy as I stare into the beacon light of the life saving machine.

He starts having debilitating belly cramps. LISA! LISA! I’M CRAMPING! It’s his belly this time. The Encapsulating Peritoneal Scoliosis (EPS), scar tissue from the multiple abdominal surgeries and balancing act of removing the right amount of fluids during dialysis has triggered his pain. I rub his belly to help his abdomin relax. The pain subsides. He’s about to stop his dialysis and I already know he’s going to have a rough morning. I ask him if he needs help. Does he need me. I hesitantly ask if he needs me to work from home. He doesn’t answer. I ask again a little more sternly and he quietly says “no, it’s ok”. I know in my heart he needs help. I ask if he’s sure. And with that he says “if you can, then yes. Work from home”. I immediately email the team to let them know. It’s almost 7am. He’s cramping again. LISA! I know I’ve made the right decision.

I hate doing last minute work-from-home announcements. It just brings to light the health issues, caregiver responsibilities and wifely duties that is my life. I hate that. But I need to put that ego aside and be there to support my family. There is no shame in choosing to be here for my husband if he needs me. Work flex is established to accommodate the work life balance and I’m forever thankful it is available to me.