Where there is a storm a rainbow will soon shine. I’m still in the eye of the storm. To the point I cried big sobs and screams of how I can’t do it anymore. Why the fukc am i crying? It’s a job. It’s not my world. But, the crush of my self confidence when someone tells you to “start showing value” has me questioning if this is the right job for me. I’m unsure how to move forward. I’ve never been in a position like this where my skills are in question. I’ve always succeeded. But, what I’ve learned is I need a supportive environment. Not a place where every interaction is a confrontation. I react and can facilitate a session next week. But, then I’m tasked with a training strategy first. Then it’s a training plan to implement the strategy. Both take time and what I need to do is facilitate some training!
With the loving support of my husband I feel better. From pep talks every morning, during the day and adter work and now after many stressful cries, waking up at 4:30 a.m. night after night, snapping at everyone with impatience and so much negative narratives that put my self worth down the drain, he says to just quit. Nothing is worth my mental well-being. We can survive until I get the next job. It flipped a switch. If only for a minute I didn’t give a sh!t. I was going to do me and if it didn’t work then I’m leaving. Now all of a sudden life got easier.
I still had a strategy to present to the business head, MC the townhall, and “show my worth”, but I was going to cut off my arm to survive (metaphor based on movie 127 Hours). I couldn’t quit before the townhall. I had a commitment and integrity as a professional. It was a bit rocky at first, but over all it went well. I finally got the help I needed with the strategy. And that was huge! Her 30 minutes of positioning what was in my head and trainer talk into corporate format for senior executives consumption was one boulder off my shoulders.
Another incident came where the hubby just got off the machine and with bloodshot eyes asked me to catch the later train. I flip. I can’t be late! He says in a weak defeated tone “ok” and starts getting out of bed. I hate myself. Wtf am I doing? I would be ~10 minutes late. What is 10 minutes late compared to the help my husband with kidney failure who just finished 8-hours of dialysis needs. I tell him to lie down and I will catch the next train. With the extra time I make congee, get lunches ready, wake up the children and change baby’s morning diaper. I message boss lady that I’ll be 10 minutes due to childcare issues. She graciously suggests I just work from home. If I continue to be late to let her know so she can let certain people know. I’m now sure what “continue to be late” means as I’ve only been late 1 time before this and it was through a snow storm where I was amongst 3 who made it into the office. But, whatevs. I’m thankful that I can be there for the husband. I get off the train and it takes me an hour to get back home. And it’s still only 8 a.m.! Of course I can’t shake that she says if I “continue to be late”. My commute is ridiculous and make it into the offixe everyday and on time. I make it home in time to kiss the kids goodbye. I login and work while baby and hubby sleep. This is the balance my family needs. I need to find a job closer or have a discussion to work from home on a regular. Franklin needs help. He refuses day care (for many reasons -we can’t afford when I’m the only one working, the distrust of non- family caretakers, germs) and dialysis is taking its toll.