I knew it was my turn to wake up with the other children. He was supposed to be on the machine to do his dialysis. But when I woke up at 5:30 a.m., the dialysis machine was off. But I am too tired and starting to get sick with a dore throat to even talk about it. And he’s sleeping, which these days are fairly rare. So like most days since the newborn arrived, I cuddle with him and he slowly starts to fall back asleep. By 7 a.m. we’re starting to get into full swing. The baby, Child 2, and myself are wide awake. We start talking about what he’d like for breakfast and for lunch. I told him that it was dad’s turn to take care of them this morning and he’ll probably have cereal. I finally talked him into cutting his nails, so he goes in and turns on the light were hubby was sleeping. I bring the baby and all four of us are just chilling together. This is where things start to take a turn.

Since hubby is awake, I asked him if he was on the machine last night since it wasn’t on this morning. He says he was, but the machine had some type of error code at 2 a.m. and he lost a full circuit of blood. He’s thinking about going down to the hospital to do a run since he’s not feeling so great. He’s feeling that tightness in his chest. Sadly he knows this feeling and can distinguish it between his heart issue and when his potassium (K) is too high.

I’m not too excited about that on so many levels. I don’t want him feeling that way. But I also don’t want to have to face this crazy day on my own with three children, and one of them being a four month old.  But of course his health and well-being always comes first. I am a strong woman and I can take care of everything else. I tell him to give the hospital call and to work it out and I will take care of the rest.  We already had a full day without this happening. Between a doctor’s appointment, sport meeting, Child activity, homework, feeding the children an after school snack and dinner, homework and the rigmarole of the night routine, I’m already exhausted.

So now my day consist of taking the kids to school, waiting for the dialysis machine technician to come fix it, making after school snacks, getting the boys from school and feeding them, getting homework and the activities done, but on a high note meeting up with my cousin so we can go have some good Italian food while we wait for the boy’s activity to finish. But, that little bit of respite is short before we have to pick the boy up, feed him, and then do the night routine. Where, when and how do I squeeze in breastfeeding, diaper changes and a nap for me!

The hubby has his own meetings.  Hospital for dialysis, doctor’s appointment, and sport meeting.  No baby to lug around in a 500-lb bucket though!  But, doing it all while having end-stage kidney failure and heart disease.  He will laugh and schmooze with The People during all his interactions.   They will have no idea how exhausted and crappy he feels.  Most people don’t.   He never shows anyone, but I know.  I know he will sleep all day tomorrow and the next day.  I will have to wake up with the baby at night.  Wake up in the morning to make hot breakfasts.  Wake up to chauffeur the kids to school and activities.  Wake up to take them to all the birthday parties.

Wake up to lift my husband up.