This week (week 18) has been a frustrating and crying filled week. I can’t seem to get my shit together, which isn’t that different, but it bothers me more then ever. The house is a mess, getting all the paper work of bills and taxes feel overwhelming, yelling at the kids to brush their teeth just feels like a battle I’m tired of fighting, and the hubby’s rank stink of smoke makes me hate him. As the frustration builds and he wants to hold me to comfort my tears I just lash out about his stink is not comforting, but makes me so fucking angry. And of course with patience running thin I have no filter on my words nor my emotions and I just say whatever I’m feeling even if it’s not really how I feel, if that makes sense. When I say “what is wrong with you”, I’m really feeling like “what am I doing wrong?”. When I say “she’s irresponsible”, I really mean “I’M can’t get my shit together and I’m doing is going to pan out”. Sigh. too much drama. Too much emotions. Hearing hubby tell me to “just relax” makes me want to punch him in the throat.
At one of our family dinners we talked about our kid’s births. Like at The Birth and when I had The Epidural I had the children’s Godmother there for both. I was asked who would be in the delivery room this time around and I talked again without really filtering. Who would be there for this final hoo-rah? Who would be willing. I am thankful my favourite cousin / sister from another mister said she would if I asked. I said she wasn’t reliable. After saying that I am wracked with guilt for saying that. She is the only one I know that truly love me without judgement. What I meant was that she travels a lot for work and pleasure, she is not married and does not have children so she’s living a different lifestyle and our times don’t work out. I go to bed early, she’s a late night person. I wake up mega early on the weekends because of the kids, she’s a late sleeper. She doesn’t always sleep at home next door to us and not sure I would be able to get a hold of her. I can’t always get a hold of her on gchat/whatsapp/text now, so not sure how that would work then.
That leaves the hubby. He was there at the second birth, but he didn’t stay the whole time. I mean, he would pop in, then walk around, go for a smoke, etc. then pop back in. I need more support then that. I was lucky that the kid’s Godmother was there and stayed the whole time in the room with me. Not sure who will be there for me this time around. Who can I count on? Who wants to be there because they want to be there for me and not out of obligation? I’m sure it will all work out, but right now with all the emotions I feel like I’m floating on my own today.
I have so much to do, but all I want to do is stay in bed to cry, eat, sleep, watch movies, surf my phone and just be alone. For a few hours anyway. Then I want my family to join me in bed and hug me. I just want the stress, guilt, worry and fear to all go away.