I love the internet/social media. You are never alone. You are not the first nor the only one going through a similar situation. Like many I’ve ‘liked’ or joined groups that share similar interest and shared experiences. In one group I had a self realization moment that has changed my perspective on life. That really is rare. To mentally change how you look or feel about something that will change how you handle things for the rest of your life.
It started after I read a post on one of my kidney support FB groups that said “Home from my last day at old job. Hub is moaning and writhing and yelling because his leg is kicking and he is in pain. I work on him 45 minutes, cook supper, work on him another 45 minutes. No relief. No “how was your last day?” no “thank you for trying to help and feeding me” no “I love you too”….just tired.”
I’ve been there. Many times. I want to share about my day, but by the time I get home The Husband is not feeling well and everything else about me just fades away. If the husband is in pain, it’s hard for him to ask about how my day was. I understand. It also helps me put things in perspective. My family life is more important than the drama at work, the b.s. of my commute, the gym antics, etc. But, after spending 50+ hours working and commuting, it’s a large part of how’s my day.
I had a realization as I thought about her. Everything that goes on with me seems to be minimized as Franklin’s health always takes precedence and priority. and so it should. We’ve been together so long, that there were several consistent dark months. So much so, that nothing that happened with me seemed important. Not important enough to share…to feel….to talk about. It hurt at first. To always put yourself aside. But, after a while you don’t want to hurt. You downplay your emotions and tell yourself that it’s not a big deal to be upset about. What I have to share is not a big deal. No need to be disappointed….again. So instead of feeling hurt I feel nothing. I haven’t felt anything in a while. Not hurt, but also in turn, not excited. Whoa! Is that what’s been happening?!
I also remember a friend’s friend had committed suicide. He posted that he could not believe she was gone and that he didn’t want to feel the pain of missing her. And I will always remember that a friend of ours said to him “Do not try to suppress it, FEEL it!“. Those words really stuck with me.
I need to FEEL it. The Disappointment. Because only then can I enjoy the other side of it. The Excitement. I miss being excited. I’ve suppressed many feelings, but they never go away. They just show up in other ways. Impatience. Anger. Frustration. Because the hurt feelings are always still simmering just below the surface. I want to feel again. The bad AND the good. I want to be able to appreciate when things are going good. Not just going along with things. Indifference is no longer an option.
I commented “Thank you for sharing. I have felt your hurt and disappointment when I had good news to share but didn’t because this damn illness is always taking priority. I always pushed it aside and down played “my moment” and made it “not a big deal” in my own mind and heart. But after reading your post I realize I haven’t found anything big or exciting to share in a while. Is it because nothing big or exciting hasn’t happened in a while or is it I’m so accustomed to setting aside my feelings so much to survive the hurt that it’s the normal now? I should feel the hurt rather than not feeling…which has been going on for years. Thanks again for sharing your feelings and in turn helping me recognize my own.”