I’m not sure you would categorize it as worrying, but with most things I think of tons of contingency plans with every outing everyday.  Even just going out to eat I have a list in my head as my husband waits for me at the door.  For him when it’s time to go, he puts on his shoes and is at the door.   For me, I run through the necessary items to bring before we leave.

For example, going to a restaurant to eat.  I take an extra 10 minutes getting to the door because I have to pack for all the possible problems.  If someone has an allergic reaction, things to keep them occupied and in their seats, jackets because it usually gets cool/cold in the evening or if we go out after.

• epi pen
• benedryl
• tablet/ds/book/crayons
• toys
• jackets
• my phone

Some people would call that being prepared.  Some may say I am worried about too much stuff that’s why I’m bringing all those things.  Some don’t care and will deal with it then.

Thank God, we have not had to use the epipen, but I bring everything because you take a chance every time you eat outside of your home.  If anybody has brought very young boys to a restaurant, they don’t always stay seated.  Keeping them occupied helps everyone have a more enjoyable meal.  I’d rather bring the jackets then having them getting a cold and dealing with fevers and sleepless nights.   I ‘worry’ about all these things when we go out.

But, there is background chatter in my mind that never stops.  That story that plays over and over in your mind.  Loudest when you are trying to go to sleep.

• I’m also worried about my dad.  Since my mom has passed away I worry if he is eating well, if he’s getting enough sleep, if he’s lonely, if he’s happy,  if he’s healthy, if he’s bored, etc.
• I’m worried about my husband.  What’s long-term dialysis doing to his body?  What’s the pain in his stomach mean?
• I’m worried that my one son comes home and says so and so is no longer his friend.  One day he’s excited that he’s made a new friend.  The next that boy is no longer his friend.  I worry what he’s eating at school and will they take care of him if there’s an emergency allergic reaction.

Worrying is like letting stress live rent free in your mind.  This is why my mechanism is to have a ‘plan’ for all cases so nothing will throw me off.  Shit will happen and I’ll be prepared.  I will roll with the punches that I haven’t planned for, but the toughest is letting go of the control for things I have no control over.  I have to be ready.   Emergencies happen more often in my life than others.  I don’t worry about it, but it is in the back of my mind.

At the beginning of this post I didn’t think I was a worrier.  But, listing just what I’m worried about today (which is most days), I realise my contingency plans are to mask my worry.