As I approach the bathroom I hear some ladies talking in loud hushed tones. People are so disillusioned. Once they are out of sight they think they have instant privacy to air their latest bullshit. Be it in a bathroom stall while on their cell phone, huddled in their cubicle, or in a car, I have ears so I can’t help but hear you. I am not eavesdropping per se I have mom ears. It’s one of those super strengths women have evolved to have to listen for baby’s slight cry from his crib that’s upstairs with the door slightly ajar. All moms are born with this sixth sense way before baby monitors were made.  Even for those who do not have children, they still have the sixth sense honed for that cheater husband who has left your side to take a ‘business’ call on a weekend.  No shenanigans boys.  We’re all over it.

It has to be gossip. And it must be juicy for them to hide away in the sanctity of the woman’s washroom where your chances of being ‘caught’ just went down to less than 50%. “They’re bringing someone in to audit the project”, she says. “Oh great. More nosey assholes whose sole purpose is to advise of my short comings. They should hire my mom! Hahahaha” I hear the other cackle. Makes me chuckle too because my mom would definitely get short-listed for the job. “You’ll wish he was at your house. I just saw him at Jane’s desk and he’s hot”, the other girl said. “oooo” both the cackler said out loud and so did my loins. So that’s who was at Jane’s desk. Mr. Auditor.  With all the regulatory changes I shouldn’t be surprised. With this Tier 1 project about to go into the User Acceptance Testing (UAT) phase he should have come in earlier when they were putting together the business objectives.

I better hurry up. The meeting starts in 15 minutes.  I breeze in to find two young fresh out of university Associates touching up th their makeup.  “Oh! Hello girls.” I say with a fake startled tone. Have to play the part of non-eavesdropper of course.  “Good morning Vivienne”, they chorus together.  I stand beside them and open my Louis  Vuitton bag.  It’s not the freshest in name brands, but it’s classic, classy, and stylish.  Just like me this morning.  I have enough creams, lotions, and makeup in here to make a dinosaur look like they have baby smooth skin.  Of course I only pull out my tiny bag of basics – concealer, press powder, mascara, brow kit, lipstick, lip gloss, lip liner, and eye liner.  Its still more than them, but they have youth on their side.  Not even a department store full of these remedies can beat that.  “See you at the meeting!”  on of them says a little too cheerfully as they leave.  “See you in the meeting” I mock to my mirror self as I cover up my slight shine.  It’s a thin line between a lovely glisten look and shiny sweaty and disgusting.  Ugh.  Hopefully they didn’t hear me.  Damn illusion of being alone.

I wonder who Mr. Auditor is.  He must be good looking since he’s already left an impression on the Associates and even Jane.  He was looking good from behind is all I can say so far.  A good suit, fresh hair cut, and impeccable shoes speak volumes for first impressions.  I’ll go run the queries and reports on my database to analyze.  Thankfully I’ve been through enough of these roll-outs to offer recommendations on the different options to train the organization on the must haves.

Option 1 – Flirt with Mr. Auditor

Option 2- Fantasize of Mr. Morning Distraction

Option 3 – Call The Husband