European Cruise Without The Husband.  Sounds like total hypocrisy to my Separate Vacations post, but it wasn’t like that.  I had a choice to make.  Either go on vacation with my parents and family (uncle, aunt, cousins, a niece, my sons) or don’t go.  I knew it would be difficult.  Leaving my husband on his own.  Always worrying that he may have some complication with his Encapsulating Peritoneal Sclerosis (EPS) or home hemo-dialysis treatments due to his End-Stage Renal Disease (ESRD).  But, also that he will  not be able to experience the adventure and memory making with us.  The worry.  The regret.  But in the end I make the choice to make memories with my parents while I can – for the kids and for me.  I have missed out on other family vacations (parents, brother’s and their families).  I am happy for them, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t envious.

Initially we looked at the option of using Dialysis at Sea.  Thinking back to my post Dialysis at Sea – Is it Possible this would be a great opportunity to have it all.  My family, my husband, and a cruise!  But, we were booking very soon after the last episode of complication of EPS and it was too fresh and too scary to think it could happen while we were out of country.  Also, the cruises they offered in the time line we wanted to go were not of interest to the rest of the group.   I am sure if I had pushed for another Caribbean cruise my family would go.  But, the cost was higher to do Dialysis at Sea, Frankie was still having pains days later after leaving the hospital, and the it wasn’t the ideal destination, we decided I’d go with alone with kids.  Without him.  It seems like the right decision at the time, but it still left me with a heavy heart.

Another concern on my mind is the responsibility of the children on my own.  Although I would get help from my family, I still felt I would be on my own with my kids.  Of course they would help and I wasn’t alone-alone.  But, when push comes to shove, it would be my responsibility as the only one in the room with them to take care of them post excursions, wake ups, diapers, showers, etc.

Both boys love their grandfather.  LOVE.  He is the first person Boy 1 will seek out when they get to my parent’s place to share good news.  Boy 2 is always calling for him to watch him do his push-ups.  But, even the power of their gung-gung (Chinese for father on mother’s side) did not always bedazzle them.  It was Mom. Mom. Mom.  ALL the time.  Boy 1 wished his Daddy was here.  So did I.