It’s a double edged sword.  Being ok with his golfing 5 days a week.  I want him to go out.  He’s happier.  He’s healthier.   And with that comes better quality time.  We talk.  We laugh.  We take the kids out.  What more could I ask for?

Well, I’m a greedy b!tch.  How about a morning where I can sleep in?  I stay up late to have ‘our’ time.  I wake up early with the kids.  By the end of the week, I’m bagged.  Now do this for a months, and I’m not sure if I want him to go out.

When the weekend comes, you’d think that would think it would be MY TIME to sleep in.  Nope.  He’s also bagged.  And he’s sleeping in.  Dialysis takes its toll on his mind and body.  So, I get it that he wants to go golfing all the time.  For those few precious hours, he doesn’t have to think about dialysis, needles, kidney failure, dying.

So, go golfing darling.  I rather you happy and healthy.  And having your tone body and mind as a result is a small price to pay.  But, when I am asleep on my feet, you’ll just have to take a day off.  Too bad.  So sad.  Personally, it shouldn’t reach that point.  You want me to support your golfing, then recognize when I too need a respite from the dramatics that is our life.  I too need to sleep and find my precious hours where I don’t have to think about being alone in my twilight years with our children, dialysis, needles, kidney failure, you dying.

Suck it up buttercup.  You can’t have it all.  Make that lemonade.