Do I say this “out loud”?

If you read my Three Kids post last night, I talked about my insanity of wanting to have a third child.  Even when things don’t make logical sense, making decisions is not always made with the brain.  The heart wants what it wants.

I want another child because I am selfish and afraid.  I do not want to be alone in my golden years.  I want to be surrounded by my husband and children.  As I pull my head out of the sand in the wee hours of the night and reflect on the weeks of struggle my husband is going through, I fear what future lies ahead in our golden years.  My biggest fear is that I am by myself in my 50’s without my dear husband.  And it maybe more real than I want to admit to myself.  These complications the last few weeks breaths chills into my heart and flames my fears.

I wish for Franklin to live with me till our ripe old age, but if we poke the elephant that’s in the room, it may not happen.  And that is why deep down I want another child.  It will be tough to have 3 kids under the age of 10, but all the hardships, tough days, and struggles will be worth having their hugs, smiles, and milestones experienced with my Husband.

I know if I tried to explain this to anyone in my family, they would ‘shush’ me and not to speak of such things.

I know I don’t want to talk about it either.